Monday, October 30, 2006

Countries rush to include Kosovo in their constitutions, after Serbia's move

After Serbia included Kosovo in its constitution, other countries from the region have declared their intentions to do the same. They point out that they are doing this in line with their good neighborly relations policies. The governments of Albania, Bosnia, Croatia and Hungary have made it clear they are planning to adopt new constitutions which mention Kosovo in their preamble. They say they must stand by Serbia, just as they did in the original Battle of Kosovo in 1389.

A Croatian government official said "We fought in that battle together with the Serbs, we lost in that battle together with the Serbs and we should remember that battle together with the Serbs." A Hungarian representative echoed him, saying, "Hungarian soldiers fought and lost side by side with Serbian soldiers." A Bosnian government spokesperson said, "If King Tvrtko would be alive today, he would be very proud of us." Albanian representatives stressed, "Teodor II Muzaka didn't give his life in vain in Kosovo, we Albanians realize, just as our Balkan neighbours, that it was an important loss." Commenting on these moves, a Serbian official said, "Both Prince Lazar's body and his head would be turning in his grave, if he knew that his Balkan war buddies' sacrifices were not being respected. By including Kosovo in their constitutions they show that this lost medieval battle is as important to them as it is to us." When asked wether "the fact that the Serbs were on the winning side (the Turks), too, complicates the situation?" the official answered, "It doesn't matter if Vuk Brankovic fought with the winners, what matters is that a Serbian prince (Lazar) led the losers!"

The government of Kosovo plans to include Kosovo in the new constitution, too. When asked by SEE Online whether that was necessary, a spokesperson replied, "Duh! We lost in that battle, too! We not only lost, but we hosted the battle. We are so proud we hosted that bloodbath, that we will mention it in our constitution more than one time." He reminded us that another battle had been lost in Kosovo by Janosh Hunyadi (in 1448), and that this doubles the responsibility of Hungary to include Kosovo in its constitution. Albania's responsibility would have been double, too, if the Serb forces didn't interrupt Gjergj Kastrioti - Skenderbeg, in his way to assist Hunyadi in losing the battle to the Turks.

A Turkish government official said, "We can't express the regret we feel that we won those battles. This makes it impossible for us to include Kosovo in our constitution. In fact, this is making us reconsider the motives behind the Serbs' decisions to help us win those two battles." He added, however, that Turkey plans to include other battlefields in its constitution. "The Albanians kicked our butts in no less than 27 medieval battles! We just have to include those battlefields in our constitution, and Kruja will be first in the list." He said, they also plan to include Austria in the preamble, because, "one of our most glorious losses was at Vienna."

France has declared that they want to commemorate the Battle of Waterloo in their new constitution, even though it is not a medieval battle. A French official pointed out, "Everyone is remembering their Waterloos, and we have to remember our Waterloo, too. And, our Waterloo is Waterloo, Belgium."

A member of the European Medieval Association said they are thrilled with the decisions of these countries to include medieval battlefields in their constitutions. According to her, "In no way should Serbia, or any other country, be seen as having a medieval mindset, if it includes the site of a medieval battle in its constitution." She adds, "You have to know where you lost your medieval battles! And what better way is there than by mentioning them in your constitution?!"

In the meantime, a local entrepreneur in Prishtina, Kosovo, has begun selling ready made constitutions which include Kosovo in them, where all you have to do is fill in the name of your country. "With the surge in demand for new constitutions with Kosovo in them, I figured I have to work on the supply side." The Kosovar government, on the other hand, has enabled a feature in its website through which you can automatically "Add Kosovo to your constitution" with just a click of the mouse for only 25$.

SEE Online asked some Kosovar citizens about this. A library worker expressed complete shock that somebody was asking her opinion about the matter. She says "I can't think of any good reason why should anyone ask us Kosovars whether they should include Kosovo in their constitution or no! Seriously. Can you think of one?!" A shopkeeper shows similar surprise: "When has anyone asked us whether we want Kosovo in their constitutions?! Anyway, how is that going to affect my daily business here in Kosovo?"

Disclaimer: All characters and statements are entirely fictitious and any similarity with real characters or statements is completely coincidental.


19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Pure genious! Bravo.

bytycci said...

Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I, on my own behalf, wanted to express my regrets, that you only mentioned countries rushing to include Kosovo in their constitutions. I know of at least three private organizations, one of which ("Pidgeons Friends") I lead, that want to include Kosovo in their statutes. And in any case, those who say that some ancestors of our pidgeons didn't pay with their blood on the medieval battle sites are dirty liers.

Anonymous said...

This is really great. A goood laugh. thanks!

WARchild said...

It's decent reporting but you totally overlook the spiritual importance that bones of the losing fighters hold for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Why can't the Church too have a piece of the constitutional pasta action? It's obvious that you support the Nazis.

bytycci said...

Thanks guys, your comments made me laugh.

Ed said...

Brilliant, as I read the first paragraph I'll admit that I was actually shocked thinking 'No, that can't be true', and by the third paragraph I realised it wasn't.

Excellent though, and probably because there is an element of truth in what is written, especially about the Kosovans at the end.

Take care,
Ed.

Anonymous said...

bytycci - awesome man! u should send this and get it printed in any newspapers in KS! I'm sure it'll be appreciated as no one so far had had this approach. keep writing!

bytycci said...

Thanks Ed,
it is supposed to be based on truth, sadly.
b.

bytycci said...

I don't know about the newspapers, may be. Thanks for the good words.

Anonymous said...

Hey, hey! Some other countries would like to include Kosovo! Romania and Bulgaria fought and lost the KP battle, too!

Albanicus-Papacus said...

And did you guys hear that after postponing the solution for Kosovo statues the Serbian government went to Vatikans aking Pope to postpone Christmass and New Year coz apparently it does good to stopping Serbian nationalism, basically by just stopping the time! Hillarious!

bytycci said...

Guys thanks for the comments, you are contributing to the 'fun'.

Gjergj said...

Just Great...nice one

Viktor said...

Great text, i just saw it now via Global Voices online, but better late than never! :)

bytycci said...

Oh thanks!
Good luck at Bg blog.

Yakima_Gulag said...

I'm late to this party but I love the dip! I had named, direct ancestors present at the Battle of Kosovo, 3 on the 'winning' side and 1 on the 'loseing' side. Considering that this battle was actually a draw, that the Turkish leader was killed and the Serbian leader was killed. I think Everyone Involved gets to mention Kosovo in their Constitution.

I descend from King Tvrtko on my mother's side, Prince Lazar on my father's side,

Enough famous Americans,Americans with royal blood, trace their descent to Jelena Gruba, that I think the United States could mention Kosovo in it's constitution.

bytycci said...

Haha.
It's good that you actually traced your ancentry and have some connections to those warriors.
Keep fighting the good fight!

blogger said...

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